Well, today is better than yesterday. My heart is not as heavy and my soul not as downtrodden. I was even able to laugh at a totally ridiculous video someone sent us in the email. Smiles are always good, even when you are grieving.
What makes this grief so hard to work through is that we don't get to say goodbye. It's a life that is just over. It makes you think long and hard about how fragile this mortal life is.
God has been wonderful these past 28 hours. Every time I start to slip into that kind of contemplative depression that is so much a part of the grieving process, He brings to mind another piece of His word that comforts me. How do I know it is God? Because I have never memorized a single verse in my entire life I am ashamed to say. Yes, we had memory verses in Sunday School, but I stored them in short term memory just so I could say them that Sunday. You see, my mom was the Sunday School teacher.
However, I have spent many years learning about and teaching the Bible. I am finding that one thing scientists say is true. Every word you read, speak, or listen to is stored in the brain God created. Think of it like a giant computer with unlimited memory. I'm not saying to not memorize verses. I have been rereading Fahrenheit 451 and in it there is only one written Bible in the whole world and the main character has it. However, his professor friend tells him that if that Bible is destroyed (and it is) that there are people all over the country that have memorized one book of the Bible so that when the current society has destroyed itself, they can reconstruct the Bible one book at a time. Science fiction? Maybe not so much.
God had taken me today to a couple of verses that, until today, made little sense to me. James 1: 2,5 say,"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials...; If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally, and without reproach, and it will be given to him." Is God really asking me to go to church tomorrow and put on a happy face even though I feel broken inside? That's the way many Christians interpret that verse. But that is not what it means at all. It seems to me that it means feel your pain, experience your trial, but in all that don't forget what God has done and is doing in your life.
I feel joy that I have a loving Heavenly Father that cares about every little detail of my life. I feel joy that when I disappoint Him, I am still the apple of His eye. I feel joy, particularly now, that He comforts me and hides me beneath the shadow of His wing. I feel joy that He chose to save ME. Trust me, He could have made a MUCH better selection, but for whatever reason, He wanted me. He could have chosen a rock, but instead He wanted me.
That is what I feel that verse telling me right now. God is telling me NOT to put on my happy church face and NOT to say everything is fine when it is anything but fine. No, God is telling me to be who I am when I go to church tomorrow. If I feel a little standoffish, that's okay (I don't deal well with everyone saying the same, "I'm sorry for your loss." That's where the wisdom comes in. Sometimes all I need is for someone to give me a hug and say nothing.). If I feel like crying, that's okay. I have told many a person in the congregation that if you feel you have to apologize every time you cry during a service, then you are in the wrong church.
When I walk in the doors of church tomorrow, wherever I am in this painful journey, I will be the person God created me to be. There is nothing that we suffer that Christ has not already suffered and I know tomorrow, if no one in the whole building understands, He will. He has been there. done that, and got the tee shirt.
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